Penises

21 Aug

The first time we ever saw a penis was probably when we were around 3 years old. Maybe. We probably bathed with our dads. Chances are its been erased from our memories–THANK YOU GOD. The first time i ever saw a penis was when I was four. I walked in the bathroom while my cousin was urinating. It didn’t occur to me that guys had a banana-looking object instead of what I have. I didn’t understand. Fast forward a few years later and I opened The National Geographic and WOAH-buddy. Men have a thing dangling between their legs. SAY WHAT?!

I think we can all agree that seeing a penis for the first time is a scary thing.

When I was 16 my perverted friend decided to show me a porn movie  (in her ipod) of some people having sex in a ping pong table. We watched in disbelief. His thing- was the size of a baseball bat. How is that even possible?

18- My boyfriend and I decided to go further than second base. I was ready to touch his penis! YAY! So I unzipped his pants and… WOAH BUDDY. Is that how they are supposed to look like?!  For the first time in my life, I was seeing a penis in action. Not in an ipod or in a magazine but in person. I had millions of questions running though my mind, why was it up? Is that normal? See, health class doesn’t teach shit and my mom never told me that guys get boners and what is my hand supposed to do?!

nature took its course

21-  I was making out with some idiot and he decided to take his penis out. I stared in disbelief. I can count the number of penises I’ve seen with my right hand… and that thing was def not what i thought. How do you explain to a penis that you aren’t interested in touching it?

You just say: Put it away.

From that day on i’ve learned that men have two heads. Poor things go up and go down. They are creatures of its own and have  a life of their own. They serve as instruments to please others and they come in different shapes, sizes, colors…

penises.

Advertisements

Penises are scary

21 Aug

There I was. Wearing my brand new Lucky Brand WHITE pants. Have I mentioned they were white? Yeap. Sexy motherfucking white pants. Nice tight pink shirt and my new shoes (from gap) It’s funny how we tend to remember our sexy outfits but not really recall what he looked like…I was at a bar with some friends, drinking wine, enjoying small talk and I suddenly spot him.

I saw him and I wanted to talk to him. I had the urge to talk. But I couldn’t get myself to talk to him so… i told my friend to talk to him instead of me. Awkward.

So we ended up talking. He told me I had sexy tatas and my ass looked amazing. At that point of the night, i wanted action. When he offered a ride, I agreed–duh.

Mr June- “Hey, what time do you have to be home?”

Me- 2

MJ- I have to show you my favorite place in Montgomery County

Me- ok

Turns out, its a dried pond in his former neighborhood. Ok-whatever.

My sexy-motherfucking WHITE  pants were getting dirty as we proceeded to get near the dry pond. Whatever. Clorox bleaches everything, right?

We begin having a small convo about things i don’t remember. He suddenly jumps my face and sticks his tongue down my throat. I took it, I might as well.

Things got a little weird after that.

After a few minutes his penis was out in the open and I was staring in disbelief.
The thing was…um… out there like a sword. It didn’t occur to me that he wanted to have sex in the dry pond. All i wanted was a makeout session  and maybe 2nd base. But seriously… not in my sexy white pants!

He sees me staring and says, “isn’t amazing…”

Not only did i  pick the weirdo from the bar but he is as cocky as cocky gets.

My reply: “Yea… its… um….it looks like a banana.” Awkward.

So… i freaked out. My voice of reason took over and it told me to say:

“Look, im not like that. We are taking things too fast. I have never done something like this… I only had one boyfriend in my life and I loved him and I…”

The conversation shifted to my ex boyfriend and he no longer had interest in doing anything in the dry pond.

He took me home.

Things got steamy when we said bye and he decided to take it out. I stared and nervously petted and told him to put it away.

There is a lesson to be learned:

Penises are scary.

Awkward is in.

21 Aug

As millenials we worship the word “awkward”.  Awkward seems to be the word that defines  our generation. Peace and love  identified the 60s and Will Smith was king of the 90s but these days… awkward is what we are. Awkward lives underneath our beds, on top of our heads and during homecoming dances. Everything is awkward. Hell, MTV recently created a show called AWKWARD and most of us can relate. Do you know what that means? MTV speaks the truth. Just check out JERSEY SHORE, they are real Italians! We can relate to the awkward dace, the awkward hug, the awkward moment… pretty much everything awkward. As for me, well, yes… i am as awkward as awkward gets. But, im not complaining. I’m embracing my awkwardness and you should do the same!

 

There is nothing wrong with being awkward. Sometimes, it gets in the way when:

-attempting to kiss someone

-attempting to be more slutty

-attempting to flirt, get free drinks or a ride

-attempting to meet men

The list is endless. I dont want to die of boredom before i get to whatever I am trying to get.

So.

As i was saying, I am pretty awkward. My awkwardness has gotten me into weird situations like:

 

-The day I saw a penis for the third time in my life (gasp)

-or the day I wanted action so desperately, i had to beg my then-friend- to kiss me.

-and the day I attempted to break up with someone but had my heart broken instead.

and the stories are full of awkwardness.

If you are anything like me, you will come to understand that life goes on and the awkwardness doesnt fade.

but hey! We live and we learn.